Life of Kaiti · motherhood

You are not alone. . .

I’ve gone back and forth on this topic for months now – if I wanted to open up about it, let alone put myself out there for everyone to know the struggles I went through. But I know that I am not alone, so I thought maybe someone else reading this could realize they need help too.

If you know me personally, follow me on Instagram or have actually read this blog – you know that we struggle with infertility. Over 4 years to get pregnant and bring Lillian into this world.

I think back to those first few months of motherhood – and in the beginning it all felt great! I felt like I was handling everything really well, however, we had visitors until Lillian was about 4 weeks old. So I was never left alone the first few weeks – I was on a high of happiness. But then everyone left and Ethan went back to work…which he was nonexistent because of how demanding being a Drill Instructor is.

So there I was, all alone with a newborn. . .oh and two dogs, plus a house to try and keep clean. (yeah right!).

I was so sad. All. The. Time.

Crying all the time.

I think Lillian’s birth and her being in the NICU took a huge toll on me emotionally. Yes, she wasn’t in the NICU for days or months like other babies have been – but I think no matter what, a mother  being away from her newborn baby is NEVER easy. EVER.

 I literally cried every day, every night.

I was struggling to breastfeed something I really wanted to do. I only made it to 10 weeks. Also formula wasn’t helping her either. We had no idea at the time, but after going through maybe five formulas and finally seeing a GI specialist at three months old – we were told she has a dairy/soy allergy.

With all my tears, anger eventually showed up.Anger?? Why? Why was I getting mad at a newborn baby? Nothing she did was ever her fault.

I knew something was wrong. I felt it. And I hated it.

I felt ashamed. Here I am, with a perfect baby and amazing life. . .but I am sad and angry all the time. Something we struggled and worked so hard to have – and I wasn’t feeling the happiness. Felt like no one could relate to me – no one was helping me.  I was frustrated with myself, Lillian, my husband – anyone that just talked to me.

Ethan helped when he could. He really did. But I couldn’t count on him for much because he was working 2:30am-9pm EVERYDAY. No days off for 13 weeks. I knew he was exhausted too.

I remember calling my sister one night – I left Lillian downstairs with Ethan so I could just have a little time to myself. I just cried and cried. Pretty much the whole time I was on the phone with her. Feeling like a shitty mom for not being happy. Thank God for her comforting support – I needed it.

I called my OB the following day and he is seriously amazing. I am not afraid to admit that I got help. I needed it. I was put on a medication to help even out all my hormones. My OB told me he thinks that going through infertility had also caught up to me and added into all my emotions I was feeling.He told me I wasn’t feeling this way because I was unhappy or didn’t love my daughter. Sometimes hormones get all crazy on us, especially after having a baby.

I am proud of myself for realizing that something was going on sooner than later.

I have been doing a lot by myself due to Ethan’s job, I know he has hated seeing me go through all this. It was hard on both of us.  I know that I am not the only on that has gone through this nor the only one going through it. I still have my rough days – where I cry…and Lillian cries. We cry together.

We have our good days and bad days, but what mother doesn’t. Lillian just turned 10 months old and I think I’ve got the hang of this motherhood thing – somedays. 😉 I am learning something new everyday.

So if you are reading this, and you’ve struggled to something similar like me – it’s normal. We are normal. What we have felt or are feeling – normal. We can’t be ashamed of it. Lillian is my whole world. My life has changed completely with her in it and I can’t imagine my life without her.

Someone sent me a quote a few months ago and I’ve always kept it on my phone. It says, “Successful mothers are not the ones that never struggled. They are the ones that never give up, despite the struggles.” Amen.

-Kaiti.

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